Dear Crazy, Middle Aged, Twilight Freaks

From December 2010

This goes out to all the ladies and the gay men who obsess about Twilight (I'd include straight males but, come on, no straight man will ever read it) :

THE BOOK WAS WRITTEN FOR TEEN-AGED GIRLS. MOST OF THE CHARACTERS ARE HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS. IF YOU'RE OVER 25 YOU SOUND LIKE A TOOL IF YOU TALK ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU LOVE EDWARD OR WHATEVER THE SHIRTLESS GUY'S NAME IS!!!

I'm an avid reader. I read during my 2 hour daily commute into NYC. Admittedly I'm a bit of a book snob sometimes but at the end of the day I love to hear people still read. I automatically have a lot more respect for you if you didn't stop reading after your last college paper. I even understand that Twilight may be interesting.

I like Vampires. I like love stories. 

I don't care if people like the books I just don't understand why I hear women my age or older (I'm in my mid 30's, let's leave it there, please) go on and on about Twilight and Edward and Bella and the shirtless guy. The characters are in high school. The vampires sparkle. They sparkle. Uhm.... sparkle?!

Here's what put me over the edge - last Christmas I was at a get together with 4 friends, all over 33 and all with at least one child. The entire night I had to hear about their leaky bladders (that's another story), their useless husbands and what cute thing their kid did. Fun night for me. Really. Fun. At least I had a glass of wine (or four). At some point they realized I was quiet (rarity) and that I couldn't relate to any of them so they decided to ask about my dating life.

In the middle of telling them some story about the current guy in my life they interrupt me to tell me how said guy is just like 'Edward'. Sighs all around and faraway lost love looks, I'm not fucking kidding - except for me who at this point is in shock and trying to get back to reality. They debated back and forth on whether the guy was more like Edward or the shirtless guy. They told me how lucky I was to have an Edward in my life.

Did these women just relate my real love life with a FICTIONAL SPARKLY VAMPIRE?!



Yes, they did. This year I'm skipping the get together. Fuck 'em.

Pecking Order

Pecking Order

 

 

There is always a pecking order in every group - your family, your friends, your coworkers. Your order is determined by so many things depending on what group you're in at the moment. Sometimes it's your birth order, sometimes it's your intelligence. Sometimes it's how 'awesome' you are or your title at work.

 

I'm fine with all of my labels, I've earned them all. My family, friends and coworkers treat me pretty much the same way and seemingly in accordance to my labels. The only one I take issue with is the 'single' one. (Here, single only means not married. ) It seems that unless you are married you don't know 'how life is'. Your opinion doesn't mean the same in social situations.

 

If I happen to say I'm pissed at the guy I'm dating some married woman will tell me I don't know angry until I wake up to the same man every day.

 

If I'm tired some mother will jump in and tell me I won't know tired until I have kids. This mother probably doesn't realize I spent my entire day with my niece and nephew going shopping for shoes for them, changing their diapers and clothing, wiping their noses that never seem to be empty of snot or running around the house with them keeping them out of the way for their parents.

 

I find this all very amusing and annoying. Amusing for the importance we all put in ourselves. Annoying..if you're still reading you get this.

 

 

It happens to all of us. When you're busy at work someone is always busier. When you're married you don't 'count' until you have kids. When you have a child you don't count until you have more than one.

 

Sometimes I want to retaliate...like when people talk about how annoying their mom is, I want to scream at them and say, "Well, you're lucky your mom is alive!!!"...or when they complain about their father I wanna scream how lucky they are that they're not in my boat. But I don't and I never would, because on some level I get it...plus I'm not a total asshole.